Adeline, Adeline, Adeline.... you have the gift of tears.

So many people would be so better off if they could just let those tears flow.... the tricky part is, many folks do think they're only 'white girl' tears and don't know that really it's your body actually responding/ living in the effed up pathos of it all.

I'm on the other side of menopause now (she said, all crusty and collagen free) and the tears show up less often, until something moves me in a visceral way. Then they start all over again, sometimes lasting a few minutes, sometimes continuing for days.

And, please don't discount the reality of PTSD. It sounds like you've got it in a zillion different directions, and that ex M (who sounds just like one of my exes by the name, nefarious D) obviously relished triggering you, even as he pretended that he didn't. It's part of the gross disfunction/really great sex conundrum.... the lengths these guys go to. just to make a gal feel lousy... jeesh.

Rosy Grier sang it best, I think: "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you."

You have a gift. The gift of tears <3